He's been socialized to discount feelings.ДЇor him, baring the soul means sharing his hopes and dreams. That's why when a woman bares her soul by disclosing her feelings, a man often doesn't recognize that as significant. But the seat of a man's soul is his intent or purpose. A woman usually believes you know her when you know what she feels. The seat of a woman's soul is her emotions. Most women I talk with don't realize what kind of influence they have over men.Д«urford: Doesn't a woman likewise hand over part of her power to the most significant man in her life?Д¬arter: Yes, but she does it by sharing her most private feelings. If she sticks a pin in his doll, he recoils. Years later, when he meets someone he wants to spend his life with, he unconsciously gives her what I call his 'jujube doll' - a kind of voodoo-like name I have for the part of a man's self-esteem that's vulnerable to a woman's opinion of him. I think some of Freud's theories are hogwash, but I believe he was right about at least one: Whereas a girl might choose to grow up to become like her mother in certain ways, a boy tries to be becoming to his mother - to make her proud. Jay Carter: During a boy's most important developmental period - his first five years - he usually gets his self-esteem from his mother. Michelle Burford: You've written that most women have no idea of their power to wound men. Carter's observations are so eye-opening that we asked him about everything from finding the key to a man's inner life to the best way to chew him out when you're mad: Twenty-six years of counseling men and couples have given Jay Carter an unusually clear window into men's hearts and minds. Psychologist Jay Carter talks to Michelle Burford about male self-esteem, the criticism that could demolish a man and what male intimacy is really about. ( ) - Here's a closely guarded secret: Women have more influence over men than they think.

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